A Week is a long time in hospital

I’m stretched again in hospital

The food is fairly sparse

If I see another scrambled egg

I’ll eat the contents of my arse

 

It starts off in the A&E

Where you’re triaged by the nurse

Then spend hours sitting on your hole

Unless your illness is the worst

 

If you come in via ambulance

You’re straight in to the Docs

And they stick you in a flimsy gown

Where the split shows off your jocks

 

The blood nurse she comes over

And you try not to be sick

As she sticks a harpoon in you

Like she’s shooting Moby Dick

 

In a week you’re black from needles

They say it’s just a scratch

With your hairy legs and bikini line

About to turn to thatch

 

 

The nurses always washing hands

To prevent M.R.S.A

Scrubbing, gelling, gloving up

Their skin will wear away

 

You fantasize about salty chips

Stir fries, curries too

When they slop up something bland and dull

You want to chuck it down the loo

 

In the cardiac department

It’s like you’re on a leash

An alarm bell rings if you leave the ward

When you’re running from the quiche

 

You ask to have a sleeping pill

And they answer “Well we’ll see”

Then they wake the fella next to you

To take his at half past three

 

There’s buzzers going beep, beep, beep

And bells that ring so shrill

You’d give your body up to science

For just a lick of that small pill

 

The porters are the funny lads

Who come to take you for a spin

When the theatre ring and tell you

That it’s your turn to go in

 

Since you were a toddler

You’re told not to wet the bed

So a pan stuck underneath your bum

Is like a pencil without lead

 

Instead, they bring along a “jacks” on wheels

They call it a commode

They pull across the curtain

And say “away and drop your load”

 

You’ve been holding it for ages

And you’re sick & tired of waiting

But going in a ward of six?

It’s like Heuston bloody station.

 

The nurses smile & tell you that you might get to go home

But the doctor has to sign you out, so they try him on the phone

You came in with a heart attack on that first eventful night

And you leave it with a ruptured gut for the want of a good shi**

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s