A Week is a long time in hospital

I’m stretched again in hospital

The food is fairly sparse

If I see another scrambled egg

I’ll eat the contents of my arse


It starts off in the A&E

Where you’re triaged by the nurse

Then spend hours sitting on your hole

Unless your illness is the worst


If you come in via ambulance

You’re straight in to the Docs

And they stick you in a flimsy gown

Where the split shows off your jocks


The blood nurse she comes over

And you try not to be sick

As she sticks a harpoon in you

Like she’s shooting Moby Dick


In a week you’re black from needles

They say it’s just a scratch

With your hairy legs and bikini line

About to turn to thatch



The nurses always washing hands

To prevent M.R.S.A

Scrubbing, gelling, gloving up

Their skin will wear away


You fantasize about salty chips

Stir fries, curries too

When they slop up something bland and dull

You want to chuck it down the loo


In the cardiac department

It’s like you’re on a leash

An alarm bell rings if you leave the ward

When you’re running from the quiche


You ask to have a sleeping pill

And they answer “Well we’ll see”

Then they wake the fella next to you

To take his at half past three


There’s buzzers going beep, beep, beep

And bells that ring so shrill

You’d give your body up to science

For just a lick of that small pill


The porters are the funny lads

Who come to take you for a spin

When the theatre ring and tell you

That it’s your turn to go in


Since you were a toddler

You’re told not to wet the bed

So a pan stuck underneath your bum

Is like a pencil without lead


Instead, they bring along a “jacks” on wheels

They call it a commode

They pull across the curtain

And say “away and drop your load”


You’ve been holding it for ages

And you’re sick & tired of waiting

But going in a ward of six?

It’s like Heuston bloody station.


The nurses smile & tell you that you might get to go home

But the doctor has to sign you out, so they try him on the phone

You came in with a heart attack on that first eventful night

And you leave it with a ruptured gut for the want of a good shi**

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