Cold Caller Massacre

Cold Caller Massacre

It’s making me go off my lid
I could power the national grid
With all my steps I could light up Hong Kong
I’m only getting comfy, with my wine glass on the couch…
when a cold calling bastard goes “Bing Bong”…”Bing Bong”

“HEY There, Hi, How are ya?
Like as if they give a shite
While grinning wide to show their pearly whites
He says I’ll offer you a discount if you’d just sign up to us
Here’s what you’ll do for me sunshine …go lie down before a bus.

He wants to switch me to Airtricity
knock a fiver of my gas
So I take the application form
and shove it up his ass.
If you read your shagging database
You’ll see I’m on the list and you could walk on by my door…
And leave me to get pissed.

The Sky reps at my door next
Flogging movies, sports and shit
So I take their dish and smack him with it hard
his boss will hardly notice if one salesman disappears
I’ll put him underneath the patio…they won’t find the prick for years.

I’m going to make myself a clone
So I’ll be left the feck alone
Or a neon sign saying “sellers do not call”
so if Phone watch stilll ignore it when they send the buggers round
then they’ll join the poxy Sky rep underground

The global window guy must need
specsavers for his eyes
Can’t he see the brand new sticker on the glass?
He only put them in last month , the glue is hardly dry
So I suggest he leaves if he don’t want to die

So finally he gets the hint,
I doubt that he’ll be back.
I dive into my wine to watch
Orange is the new Black.
My arse it hasn’t hit the seat
When it all starts to go wrong
As another bucking salesman goes …
Bing bong…(bing bong)
A rifle wielding psycho now
I race out to the door
If I murder him I hope I get ten years.
In fact I’d massacre the lot of them
As I sing the “Happy” song, WHY?
Because jail doors have no bells to go Bing Bong (bing bong)

© Sinead Hamill

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