Sometimes in your life, you’re feeling lazy.

When the day has taken everything you have.

To try to make the stress a little lighter,

You reach forward and switch on the old SatNav.

I realised my SatNav was a tranny

Once a bloke who won’t admit that he is lost

But bugger me, they made her quite impatient,

On my journey here she started to get cross.

Commence your trip’ was her initial order,

Was she assuming I was just about to fall?

She’s seen me pissed and laid out on the back seat,

So full of wine I couldn’t drive at all.

‘In 400 yards there will be a roundabout’

But there isn’t ‘cos the council dug it out.

She says to go and take the second exit

So now I know my SatNav’s full of shite.

She sends me up the ramp to the M50,

And reminds me not to speed above the tonne,

I want to push my new car to its limit but

I’m driving with Miss Daisy, she’s no fun.

She gets me off at a specific exit,

And by her voice its seems to me she’s getting smug,

We turn into the estate and now the fun starts

After three wrong turns I want to pull the plug.

‘Turn Left’ she says and I turn on the blinker,

‘Turn Left’ she says, her voice becomes a bawl,

‘Turn left’ she shouts and now I’m getting frightened,

So I turn left and hit a fecking wall.

Not a word of an apology from SatNav,

Maybe she’s searching for the right words she should say,

As I reverse she has the cheek to utter,

‘I will direct you as it seems you’ve lost your way.

‘Turn right and go ten metres and then turn left’

I follow her directions word for word

‘You’re reached your destination’ she announces,

Not unless my mates live in a nest just like a bird.

The headlights show the forest where she sent me,

I lose the head and roar that she’s a bitch,

It’s John of Gods for stress for me tomorrow

And I’m ripping out the fecking SatNav switch.

Sinead Hamill

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